I'm a Wimp

I had to have a d&c on Friday. I had an ultrasound on Thursday and it appeared that my beautifully formed (yet empty) sack was still growing and producing enough hormones to play nasty tricks on my body and mind. The actual d&c wasn't too bad. I did, however, cry for the first time since finding out about this mess. The flood gates opened after 4 nurses tried to start and i.v. After digging around in my hands and arms for what felt like an hour, one of them finally managed to get one in right in the middle of the inside of my arm. It hurt like a motherfucker. The nurse then went to get A and have him come back to the room. Up until that point I'd been trying to keep a smile plastered on my face and trying to crack jokes. As soon as she left, the tears started flowing. All I could think of was: "How hard does this have to be?????? All I want is a baby!!!!!!!!!" Poor A walked in the room and found me crying for the first time in while.

I was sent home after the procedure with no pain medicine. I was told that I should just experience some "minor cramping." I was fine for about 4 hours. At 10 o'clock that night, the cramping began. I have never felt that much pain in my life. The only thing that helped was to get up and walk around. So, I did this until 4:00 in the morning. At this time, I was so exhausted, that I finally fell asleep sitting up in bed.

OK, I'm going to confess now to being a jealous bitch. My close friend and sil (M) is 15 weeks pg. She was so excited to be sharing this time with me. Well, at my parents' house this weekend, I got to listen to her talk about buying baby clothes and maternity clothes. I was so mad and envious. I know this is wrong of me, but I couldn't help it. I quietly left the room and let her talk. My other sil (who just had twins) had given me all of her maternity clothes. I guess I have to pack them all up and give them to M. I pray that these negative feelings will fade with time.

On a final note, has anyone noticed that a lot of people will try to make you feel better by telling you horror stories about related problems? I've had to listen to so many stories like "Oh, it could have been worse, my friend had her baby die at 32 weeks" or "My sister's baby died in his sleep at age 3 months" Just go ahead and shoot me now. Like I need to be even more depressed at this time. What makes this even worse is the thought that I have probably told stories such as these in attempts to comfort others. Yikes!

My Boring Life

I'm back from the longest trip of my life. Nothing like spending 11 days with your mother-in-law when dealing with a miscarriage. I was basically trapped in their house for the entire time. When we did go out, we went out with them! I told A that 7 days is the limit from now on. I can't take that any more. My every move was watched and commented on. If I walked into the room "What are you up to? Can I get you something to eat/drink/wear/read?" If I got up from my chair: "Where are you going? Am I too boring for you? Do you want to change the channel?" Umm, no I'm just going to the bathroom. 90 percent of the time she was very nice. However, even when she is nice, she is obsessively clingy. The other 10 percent of the time, I heard comments like: "Wow, look at you cleaning! Dave is not going to know who you are!" or "Do you need help with your ironing because your outfit looks a little wrinkled." She had plenty of advice for me regarding getting pregnant, but I won't/can't go there right now. We took our dog with us for the trip. She kept feeding him people-food. He has a very sensitive stomach and we have told her several times not to do this. Sooo, the dog ends up barfing all over the floor for a few days. I refused to clean it up. Right after he puked one morning, she fed him bacon!

Ok, enough about that. When I had my ultrasound on July 3rd, I was told that as soon as I stopped taking the progesterone shots, my period would come withing 7 days. Well, still no period after 14 days. I just want this to be over with.

Better news: my sil gave birth to her twins on the same day that I found out my baby had stopped growing. This actually made me happy. They were small, but were able to come home after 8 days.

News that made me cry: My other sil found out she is pregnant last week. She had told me a few months ago that she was going to start trying in the Fall. I guess she wanted to get a jump start on the season. I'm trying my hardest to be positive and happy.

Ok, that is enough for now.

It's Beer O'Clock

My ultrasound this morning showed one great looking sack, but no baby. Needless to say, I'm pissed and disappointed. I've spent the day doing whatever I can do to not think about it. So far, it has worked. I'm still heading to Canada tomorrow morning with A. I'm sure the floodgates will open at some point during the drive. Wow, nothing like having all of the side effects of raging hormones with none of the benefits. Poor A gets to be stuck with me in a car for hours on end. He called his in-laws to tell them the news, so hopefully they won't need to talk about it too much. So, instead of being almost 8 weeks along, it looks like I'm back to square one. Actually, I'm not even at fucking square one - I still get to wait for my period to start. Yippeeee. We will be gone for 10 days. I'll update when I get back.