Saturday, May 26, 2007

Exciting Day

Today (Saturday) is the day of my transfer. The retrieval went very well. I'm just a little sore a bloated. They are transferring two today. They retrieved 17, 11 were mature, and 8 were fertilized. I just keep saying to myself "I have babies waiting to meet their me." I know, kinda corny.

I need to take care of some business. I've officially had my first blog tag. The only problem is, I was tagged by the only person out there in blogville I know. So, I won't be able to tag anyone else. I hope this doesn't mean 7 years of bad luck.

Ok here goes:

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1)Baby Moxie

2)Kicking You From The Inside

3)Third Time Lucky?

4) Just Crazy Enough To Try

5) Let the Fun Begin

Next select five people to tag: (if you haven’t done it already)

???? Sorry! I'm kinda new to this

What were you doing ten years ago? I was in college getting my teaching degree. I was mildly obsessed with a loser boyfriend who broke up with me every other day just to see me crawl back.

What were you doing one year ago? I was trying to get over my miscarriage and move on with my life.

Five snacks you enjoy:

1. air popped popcorn

2. chex mix

3. chips and salsa

4. Doritos

5. take 5 candy bars

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:

I have a bad habit of being able to memorize to lyrics to any song, crappy or not. I'll start off with my favorite band and move on to any other songs that stick out in my mind.

1. Any song by U2

2. Any horrible 80's hair band

3. ?



Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

1. Quit my job

2. Learn how to sew

3. Volunteer

4. Buy my ailing parents full time help

5. Donate to St. Jude's Childrens Hospital

Five bad habits:

1. I constantly finish people's thoughts (in my own mind).

2. I move from one chore to another without finishing the one I've started.

3. I leave clothes on the bathroom floor.

4. I drink too much caffeine.

5. I like to sleep too much.

Five things you like doing:

1. Reading

2. Watching True Crime t.v. shows

3. Checking email

4. Reading blogs

5. Hanging out with friends and drinking beer (not so much of the drinking lately)

Sunday, May 20, 2007

I Think I'll Stick To Walking

I'm through with the rollercoaster. It turns out I'm just an extremely slow responder. As in, I am running about a week behind schedule. I'm back on the ivf track. My estradiol went from 147 on Wednesday, to 500 on Friday, to 1,470 today (Sunday). The retreival is now scheduled for this Thursday. I am officially a week behind everyone else at the clinic. I'm just grateful that they let me continue on without cancelling this cycle. I also found out that my sil (and very close friend) is pg after her first iui. Pregnancies run in pairs in my family, so I'll take this as a good sign. I'm going in again in the morning for my final bw and ultrasound before the trigger. My poor veins are not happy with me. I have bruises on the inside of both elbows. I'm waiting for one of my students to ask me what is going on. I only have two more days of teaching. School is out this Tuesday. I'm ready to relax for a while!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The Car Flew off the Track

Well, this roller coaster ride may be coming to a faster end than previously thought. I had another ultrasound and bw appointment this morning. My follies are still too small. He gave the speech about why it is best to cancel some cycles. He told me this was probably going to be one of those cycles. However, he said that he would wait until my bw came in today. So, I proceeded to cry my way to work and then cry/sob when the my coworker asked me how everything went. Luckily, my students were in PE so, I avoided freaking them out. I am just so damn mad and frustrated by this whole thing. The nurse called me later on today to tell me that he wants to see me on Friday for more bw and an us. She said my estrogen levels had more than doubled since Monday (which is great) but that they are still very low (which sucks). She then made me review step-by-step how I was giving myself the injections to make sure I have been doing them right. I am. So, after being told not to get my hopes up, I have to wait 2 more days to find out if the cycle will continue. If it is canceled I have to wait 3 months before starting up again.

Fucking Roller Coaster

Monday, May 14, 2007

Roller Coasters Suck

I hate roller coasters. They scare the crap out of me. I don't like feeling out of control. This whole ivf thing is just one big roller coaster. Last Wednesday, I had a appointment for bw and ultrasound. Well, during the ultrasound, the they saw a rather large follicle. I think it measured 12. The doctor was worried and told me not to be surprised if the cycle was canceled. He said it looked like I may have ovulated already despite being on the suppression meds. He told me not to "worry" and that he'd let me know that afternoon when the blood work was completed. I went to work in tears. It all turned out OK when the nurse called me late that afternoon to tell me that everything looked good and for me to start the stimulation drugs. So, then I was happy. Fast forward to Friday. My blood work showed my levels were still a little low, so they had me increase the gonal.f. No problem. I didn't think too much of it. Well, this morning, I went in for another us and bw. I could tell they were not too enthusiastic with the way my follicles were looking. There were only 9 and they looked pretty small. The doc said that I was just responding a little slowly and my retrieval might be pushed back from this Friday the following Monday. He said not to worry, he probably wouldn't need to see me until this Friday for just blood work appointment. I left feeling a little concerned, but still pretty confident. Well, the roller coaster took another sharp dip when the nurse called this afternoon. Apparently I am a "slow responder" and my levels are still very low. The nurse actually asked me if I was sure that I wasn't still taking any of the suppression meds (bcp or femera). Nope, I stopped 10 days ago or so when they told me to. Soooo, now instead of Friday, they want to see more for yet another us and blood work appointment this Wednesday. To top it all off, all of my previous appointments have been at 7 a.m., so I didn't have to arrange for a substitute. Now, this one is for 8:30. I have to take a half day off and try to find a substitute. As of this evening, I've tried to call 6 different people and no one is available. My boss is already not too happy with me having to take the last 2 days of school off.

I'm waiting for the slow climb back to the top of the hill . . .

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Why Bother?

A is out of town for the week. I thought I would attempt to clean the house a little. We have hardwood floors throughout the downstairs. They are rather old and hard to keep clean. Not helping matters is our german shepherd. He is an inside dog. We have a doggie door (ok, it is big enough for a five-year-old to stroll through) to allow him to enter/leave at his will. Every time it rains, he tracks in mud. So, after a particularly rainy week, it was looking rough in the house. For those of you with dogs, I'm sure you are aware of just how fascinated they can be with any cleaning utensils. My pooch loves to protect us weak humans from the evil broom and vacuum. So, he spent the hour chasing/protecting me while I attempted to clean around him. Then, he decided to rest for a few minutes right in the middle of the wet floor. Ugh. I'm sure you are asking yourself why I didn't just lock him outside. Well, he chewed/ingested the hard cover to the dog door. If I try to block the dog door with a kitchen chair, he will bark like mad at the door trying to get inside in order to do his duty (protecting me from the evil broom and mop).

My injections are going well. Tonight will be the 4th night taking me.napur, gonal.f, and lup.ron. One of these meds is giving me terrible headaches. I think I am just starting to get used to them. Even as I type, my head is pounding. I've been trying to just sleep through the headaches every chance I get. I go in for more bw and an ultrasound on Monday morning. I still don't know when the actual retrieval will be. I'm hoping for Saturday. That way I won't have to take any time off of work to recover. My last day of teaching will be the following Tuesday, so it really won't matter if I have to take off for the transfer. Only half of my students will show up for the last few days. That should be easy money for a substitute. I'm starting to get excited. At the same time, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. This week is the one year anniversary of my miscarriage, so I know that things don't always go as planned. I just keep telling myself that a month from now, I could be pg. That seems amazing to me!

Ok, I'm off to take a cool shower and try to sleep off some of this headache. It feels like I did about 50 shots of tequila last night. Ouch!

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Weekend Fun

Woooooooohoooooooooo, I took my last bcp this weekend. I also stopped taking the femera. Now I am just dealing with the injections. Hopefully the acne that has been attacking my face for the past 3 months will go away. It has gotten so bad that even A said to me this morning "Isn't there something you can do for that?" Gee, thanks for the confidence-booster. Well, this evening, I decided to "do something about it" and ordered $75 worth of bar.e essential.s make-up online. I've never tried it before, but it I have heard good things about it. I am not a big make up person. I never wear foundation and just use concealer, eyeshadow, and mascara. I should have charged the bill to his credit card.

This weekend has flown by. I spent all day Saturday and last night babysitting my 3 nephews. Their ages are 7, 4, and 3. It was hilariously fun - but extremely exhausting. The four-year-old lost his first tooth. He was terrified before it came out. He sobbed for 30 minutes uncontrollably about not wanting it to hurt. Well, I finally got him to sleep and it fell out over night. He found it on his pillow this morning. The three-year-old was very impressed. He kept telling his brother what a good job he did. I didn't know what to do with the tooth, so I put it in a zip-lock bag and told him to give it to his mom when she got home. I'll let my sil deal with the whole Tooth Fairy thing. I didn't think telling a frightened child about the strange fairy who sneaks into his room while he was sleeping was a good a idea at the time. I dropped A off at the airport for a business trip at 11 this morning and then came home and slept for 4 hours.

I'm off to do some shots (ok, not the fun kind) and watch tv.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

I just wanted to quickly thank Nicole for being such a faithful responder to my posts. I find your blog posts so thought-provoking. People struggling with their own issues are often inspiring to me. That is one thing I've noticed since I started reading IF blogs. People bring up so many issues that I am going through - not all of them fertility related. For instance:

I'm debating going off of Pr*zac when I become pg. I guess I should give a little history about myself before I continue. Brace yourselves, I'm not known for my ability to sum things up quickly. I have always been emotional, sensitive, and high-strung. I should actually put the word EXTREMELY before each of those descriptions. Even as a child, I was always worried - worried that people were making fun of me, worried that others didn't like me, worried that someone I loved would get hurt, worried that I would get hurt, worried about making decisions that would make everyone happy. I mean I worried all the time. This carried over into me being a huge bitch 99% of the time. Even as a child, I could make older siblings cry with my sarcastic mouth. Basically, I was insecure. I had no reason to be. My family is amazing. Looking back, I don't really know why I am the way I am. My parents certainly never catered to my emotional outbursts. If anything, they completely ignored me when I acted like a brat.

Fast forward 15-20 years and most of my sisters (7 of us) have been diagnosed with some form of depression disorder. I didn't start taking medicine until I in my mid twenties. In May of 2000, I was driving a car and was hit by a drunk driver. My 20 year-old niece was a passenger in the car and she died as a result of her injuries. This put me over the edge for several months. I dealt with panic attacks and insomnia. That is when my doctor introduced me to the second love of my life - pr#zac. Within weeks of taking this medicine, I was a different person. I was still me - just a much happier, relaxed me. I no longer became stressed out to the point of exploding if something didn't go right. I didn't stare at the ceiling at 2 a.m. worried about whether or not I forgot to blow out the candle I had in my classroom.

Needless to say, I have been very happy with this medicine. I know it helped me get through the death of my brother a few years ago. I can't imagine how I would have dealt with such a terrible loss if it was "the old me." My current issue is the unknown factor of the affects this medicine could have on a baby. I keep hearing conflicting reports. If anyone out there has any input on this, I would appreciate it. Part of me thinks that I'll be emotional enough anyway, so why not just go full tilt and pr*zac free for 9 months. I could also just lower my dosage for the time. My RE says it is up to me. He said it is an individual decision. Ugh. I just don't know. I don't want to wait until the last moment to decide.

I'm going to quickly post this before I realize just how much about myself I am putting out there for the world to see. I can always delete this later, right?


Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Into the Thick of it All

Nothing much going on right now. I've just slowly been watching the days tick by. That is yet another reason to hate this IF crap. For the past 2 years, I've felt like I just waste my months anticipating a) the arrival of my period, b) starting whatever medication I'm on for the month, c) waiting to ovulate, and d) waiting to test. I've given myself the speech about not wasting my child-free days away, to take advantage of the time A and I have to ourselves, and to spend this time getting the house in order. As much as I realize these things are true, I really don't give a crap. Just give me a damn baby, already.

Ok, I'm done stomping my feet and whining. I do have something to look forward to over the next few months. I am changing grade levels at school. This is something I have wanted to do for about 3 years now. The group of women I work with right now do nothing but argue and back-stab one another. I walk in every morning wondering who I'm safe to talk with. If I speak to one person, the other teachers might be mad and give me the silent treatment for a week. I actually used to teach with my new upcoming grade level several years ago. They have been begging me to come back and work with them. It will be so nice to have that kind of working environment. I really don't need the added stress of walking on egg shells every moment at work. The only downside is that I will be moving to a much smaller room. I think it will be well worth it, though.

Well that is all for now. I'm trying to make myself post every day even if I don't have anything exciting to say. I think this is one of those days. I'm going to go drink a beer and fold some clothes. Yup, I'm living the high life.