Fingers and Toes Crossed

My computer has been down for several days. I've been having withdrawal symptoms. Well, I'm still pg. I'm having a hard time believing it so far. I'm waiting until my u/s on July 3rd before I let myself get excited. I don't even want my family to talk about it until then. I feel like I'm jinxing myself if I get my hopes up. That is all I'm going to say about that topic for now.

A and I are leaving on the 4th to go to Canada to see his parents. We are staying for almost 2 weeks. Ugh! I am not looking forward to it. My in-laws are nice and all, but they are just very different from my parents. Mil is very loud and opinionated. She says horrible things about her other daughter-in-law and it makes me wonder what she says about me. She has been known to drop the f-bomb when describing my sil. During her last visit to my house this past Christmas, she would say things like, "oh, look at you! You're loading the dishwasher!" or "Wow, great job vacuuming!" My personal favorite was her comment before she left to go home: "Well, now your house is clean!" This was after she spent the entire week cleaning up after me. I swear, the woman never sat down for more than 2 minutes. She was either cleaning, dusting, washing dishes, or smoking. She makes me a nervous wreck. I guess I'd better start doubling up on my pro.zac now.

So Far, So Good

My second beta came back at 115 today. It has doubled since Friday. Again, the nurse seemed happy with this, so why am I still so worried????? I go back in on Friday for one more beta check. I want to be happy, but I'm so scared right now. Why can't I be one of those lucky fertile people? Will this always hang over me? I just hope I can get through the next few weeks without falling apart. Please let this work out.

Well, That Was Unexpected

Much to my surprise, my beta came back as 45 on Friday. It is a little low for my comfort, but the nurse just thinks I implanted late. Ok, what were those 2 embies doing in there for the past two weeks? I had terrible cramps all day Friday so I drank 5 bottles of water and slept all day. The cramping has since disappeared. I go in tomorrow for my second beta. I'm not really sure what to think. I thought I would be so happy to hear the words "Your pregnant!" but I've just been so nervous! When does this get easier? I'll post more tomorrow when I won't be so concerned about jinxing myself. Yup, I've officially lost my mind.

Resigned

I'm back from my trip to Florida. A and I stayed with my brother for the week. It was a nice and relaxing week. On the down side, I did end up testing yesterday morning (Wed.) and it was negative. A gave me a lot of hugs when I needed them. I am pretty upset, but I'm taking it in stride. We still have one embie to try. If that doesn't work, we still have one more shot at a full ivf cycle under our shared risk plan. I'm still planning on going for my blood work in the morning. I am glad that I tested early. I realize now that finding out over the phone would have been awful. To top it off, I'm starting to spot this evening. Rub it in, why don't you? I'm not too happy with my body right now.

Tick Tock

I will not test, I will not test, I will not test . . .

I'm half way through the wait. They called this Wednesday to tell me that only one embie made it to freezing. I have mixed feelings about that. It kind of takes care of the "what will we do with all of the extra frozen babies if this works out" dilemma. However, it also means that if this try doesn't work, chances are even greater that I will have to do the entire process again. I don't' think the success rates for a fet cycle with only one embie are too great.

After so many visits to the re for bw, etc., I am feeling very bored. The school year is out, so I really don't have much to do. I am officially 9 dpr and 7 dpt. I certainly don't feel pg. My bbs are killing me, but I'm chalking that up to the progesterone shots. I have to admit that the shots aren't going to bad. When A did the first one, I was mixed up on which needles to use and he ended up using the long thin one to draw up the med and then using the short thick one to inject it. WRONG! My ass was killing me for 5 days in that spot. Since then, I haven't even felt the needle going in. I ice my but first and then A rubs it afterwards. That is the closest he has come to getting any in quite a while now.

My sister in law and another one of my close friends have announced that they are pg. I am glad for them bc they have both suffered mc's in the past. However, if it turns out that this didn't work for me, I know I'm going to have some trouble being around them. We could have so much fun if we were all doing this together. It will be painful to watch the two of them going through this progress if I'm not with them.

A and I are going to go to Florida for several days this week. We will leave on Monday and return on Thursday. That should help me keep my mind occupied. My beta is Friday morning.

I have found out one thing for sure over the past few weeks:

Me + No Drinking = No Fun

Does this make me a bad person? I guess it can't say much for my personality if I can't have a good time out with friends without having a few beers. I have decided that on the day of my beta, I will have a cold one waiting for me. When I answer the call, I will pop the top. If the answer is negative, I will start the beginning of a drunken weekend. If it is positive, I will take a sip and pass it off to A for a toast.

Since I will pretty much be gone until then, I guess this will be it for now. The next time I post, the waiting will be over.