Anti-Climatic

I spent the day with my family celebrating my nieces first Communion. This is a big deal in the Catholic community. In my family (Irish Catholic) it is another excuse to drink all day long. I did not let anyone down. It was a beautiful day and we all had a great time. My nieces and nephews were hilarious playing together. There were several rounds of star wars battles as well as "who can catch the most bubbles" battles. The funniest part of the afternoon came when they all decided to use the automated pitch "thingie" that pitches softballs to them. They decided that simply playing with it the way it was made to be played with was not quite fun enough. They decided to stand in front of the damn thing and see where the ball would hit them on their bodies. Granted these were just "whiffle sp?" balls but, still, they were coming out at a pretty good speed. The adults spent the first 20 minutes trying to keep them from doing this. But, after seeing the kids howl with laughter, we just decided to see who cried first. Wow, my stomach hurt so much from laughing after an hour of this. I'm sure the neighbors were impressed with our parenting/babysitting skills.

Well, A and I came home about an hour ago and I gave my self my FIRST SHOT. I have pictured this moment for a long time now. This is how it actually took place: I stood by the kitchen table with the syringe and med bottle in my hand. Then I realized I had left the instructions at my parents' house. S0 I called over there and my dad answered. Now, my dad is suffering from a severe form of Parkinsons called Shy-Draggers syndrome. My mom has just started chemo for a mild form of leukemia. On top of this, my 98 year old grandmother lives with them. Needless to say, they don't stay up very late. Soooo, my call went unanswered. I ended up guessing as to the dosage. I'm 99.9% confident I got it right. After all, I've been reading the damn instructions for 3 weeks now. Ahhh, nothing like being prepared.

Well, I'm off to go put some medicine on my poor dog. We had a tick collar on him and A noticed last night that his throat was rubbed to the point of being raw. I almost threw up when I saw it. I can't believe we didn't notice this sooner! We have a gsd and he is our baby. I don't take comfort in the fact that he has probably had this sore on his neck for a few days and I didn't see it. He sleeps right beside me for gods sakes. We've been trying to pamper him all day. He just keeps looking at us as if to say "yeah, nice try dumb-ass"

Identity Crisis

I've noticed that there is another Infertilemertile out there in blogville. Leave it to me to come up with something original. Did I mention that the names I have picked out for my children are Bob and Sue. Just kidding.

Soooo, I'm going to just go with my middle name - Caroline.

I'm So Strange

Thanks, Nicole for your reassurances regarding the bcp. I am not a crier and I actually started to tear up last night when I thought about the fact that I am not a crier. On Monday, the secretary at our school asked me how I was doing as far as ttc. I told her that things were still the same and her response was "You are trying too hard. I tried for 5 years before I got pg." Now, I love this woman and I know she would pretty much do anything for me. However, I wanted to reach across the counter and smack her in the face. That was my honest-to-goodness thought. Wow - it really startled me. I'm not a violent person. I'm sure she didn't realize that waiting 5 years was not exactly great news for me.

I was going over to my parents house for brunch on Sunday. I was running a few minutes late and A asks me "So, are you going to flip out if they've run out of biscuits when you get there?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth he looked like "Oh SHIT what did I just say?" He meant it as a joke and, thank God, I found it so funny that I choked on my toothpaste. Lucky for my family, they hadn't run out of anything when I arrived.

I received all of my meds in the mail yesterday. Wow, they sure look intimidating. I start injections this weekend. I am one sick puppy to be this excited about shooting up.

On a much more personal note, it has been occurring to me over the past several weeks that A and I have been spend an awful lot of time not having sex in order to have a baby. I've been spotting since starting the pills and today I've really been bleeding. Poor A, I can't wait until he hears that we can't do the deed for the entire 2 weeks after ET (if not longer).

Well, that is enough about me. I'm going to go spend some time throwing the ball with my equally neurotic dog.

Damn, That Hurt

I had the mock transfer today. There was nothing funny about it. Apparently, the doctor has to scrape some of my uterine lining. It felt like he was ripping out the entire thing. The cramping was so bad it reminded me of my miscarriage last year. Not pleasant. He also decided to put me on f*mera for the remaining time that I'm taking bcp. Why the hell not? I'm already taking 4 pills every night. What is one more? I have freakishly low bone density for my age, so I have to take calcium pills 3X per day. So, for now, I'm taking bcp, f*mera, pr*zac, calcium pills, and prenatal throw-up pills.

I did mention to the nurse that I have been a lot moodier lately. She said it was pretty normal for the bcp. I have been having a lot of dreams about my brother who died suddenly from a heart attack at the age of 32 two years ago. They have been very sweet yet traumatising for me. In some of them he has returned and it just turned out that everything was a big mistake and he is ok. In others, he is just there in spirit and is checking up on me. In these latter dreams, he is only visible to some of us. But he keeps looking at us with tears in his eyes and telling me that it everything is "ok." I wake up from these dreams so happy to have seen him again and yet so sad to realize that we will never speak to one another on a day to day basis every again. I miss him a lot.

I wonder what I will dream about tonight?

I was talking to a coworker about the whole ivf thing. When she heard that I was paying over $15,000 for the meds and procedure she was shocked. Then she said "But this is a sure thing, right? You'll definately get pg with this?" She looked at me like I was insane when I said no. I guess to people who have never dealt with this it does sound a little odd.

On a lighter note, I went to one of those cooking/try-to- get-you-to-pay-$100-for-a-flimsy, nonstick-cookie-sheet party tonight. I was proud of myself for walking out of there without spending a dime. Of course, I did lose 2 1/2 hours of my life that I will never get back. I don't cook. A actually cooks everything. I have cooked maybe 3 meals in the5 years that I have known him. Now, I did manage to get suckered in to buying $2,500 worth of stainless steel cookware about 8 years ago. For a long time, my payments for my cookware were more than my car payment. It does look pretty, though. A hates to cook with it - everything sticks. A few months ago we had a college student come and demonstrate/sell knives to us. We ended up buying a $100 pair of scissors!?!?! I am such a sucker.

I have my "mock transfer" on Thursday. What a funny name. Maybe they could get someone else to sit in for me? I start shots in a week. I can't wait to see what they do to me. My boobs are 3x bigger just being on the bcp. I've already had 3 major emotional meltdowns in the past 2 weeks. That is with being on pr*zac. I can't wait to see how much fun I am to be around when I start adding on even more hormones. I feel like I should just wear a sign around my neck that flashes "Beware: Speak to at Own Risk" I'm glad A isn't one to take things too personally or we might end up in counseling by the time this is over.

Just Rub it In

As I mentioned earlier, I am one of 15 children. I have 18 nieces and nephews ranging in age from 25 - 4 weeks. So, today being Easter, we had the annual egg hunt at my parents' house. I look forward to this every year. The kids are so funny. I called my mom 2x yesterday to double check the time for this to start. I left my husband behind and made the 45 minute drive down there to see it start. A was to join us 2 hours later for dinner. I pull up to the house 10 minutes early and they were just wrapping up the hunt. Needless to say, my hormonal self was not happy. When I expressed my displeasure I was told that since I didn't have kids, they didn't think they had to wait on me. Soooooooooo, I got back in my car and drove home. A and I will enjoy a nice quiet dinner in tonight. When I got home, I was fully expecting A to not understand why I was so upset. Instead, he actually just said he was sorry I was so upset. Sometimes I am amazed that he married me.

New Comment

Ok, I've heard yet another amazing spout of wisdom today regarding getting pg. A coworker told me that, although she really didn't know if she believed in God, if he did exist than whatever happens is "meant to be." She went on to say that if I don't get pg, if the ivf doesn't work, then that just means that He has something else planned. Sure, ok. That works for me as long as whatever He has planned includes loads of alcohol and prozac.

On a more positive note, another coworker of mine went into labor this morning and had to leave work to go to the ER. I was so excited for her. I can honestly say that I had no feelings of jealousy - I was just caught up in the excitement.

Well, I'm off to bed. Tomorrow is the last day for standardized testing at my school. I don't know which is worse, taking the tests or watching your students take the tests. Not very exciting.

Sorry for the lack of excitement in tonight's post. I'll try to be witty and charming later.

Lazy Day

Not much to report here. It has been a rainy morning. I did go to church for the first time in months. The whole ivf process and frozen embies kept trying to jump into my mind. Just what would I do with my "leftovers?" Assuming I have any viable ones to freeze, that is. Great, one more thing to stress out about. Oh well, that is a fixation to obsess about some other time.

I went over to my parents' house for Sunday brunch. I spent the morning holding my 4 week old nephew. Did I mention I'm one of 15 kids? Needless to say, I have a lot of nieces and nephews. I have 3 more on the way. You could say I definitely got the short straw when it comes to fertility in my family.

I realized the other day that my ivf ER will be on the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. Is that a good or bad omen? I'm not sure.

Medicine Update:
I've been taking the bcp for a week now and my boobs are KILLING me. I don't remember this happening when I was taking them before. I guess I was too busy having care-free, non baby making sex then.