I had to have a d&c on Friday. I had an ultrasound on Thursday and it appeared that my beautifully formed (yet empty) sack was still growing and producing enough hormones to play nasty tricks on my body and mind. The actual d&c wasn't too bad. I did, however, cry for the first time since finding out about this mess. The flood gates opened after 4 nurses tried to start and i.v. After digging around in my hands and arms for what felt like an hour, one of them finally managed to get one in right in the middle of the inside of my arm. It hurt like a motherfucker. The nurse then went to get A and have him come back to the room. Up until that point I'd been trying to keep a smile plastered on my face and trying to crack jokes. As soon as she left, the tears started flowing. All I could think of was: "How hard does this have to be?????? All I want is a baby!!!!!!!!!" Poor A walked in the room and found me crying for the first time in while.
I was sent home after the procedure with no pain medicine. I was told that I should just experience some "minor cramping." I was fine for about 4 hours. At 10 o'clock that night, the cramping began. I have never felt that much pain in my life. The only thing that helped was to get up and walk around. So, I did this until 4:00 in the morning. At this time, I was so exhausted, that I finally fell asleep sitting up in bed.
OK, I'm going to confess now to being a jealous bitch. My close friend and sil (M) is 15 weeks pg. She was so excited to be sharing this time with me. Well, at my parents' house this weekend, I got to listen to her talk about buying baby clothes and maternity clothes. I was so mad and envious. I know this is wrong of me, but I couldn't help it. I quietly left the room and let her talk. My other sil (who just had twins) had given me all of her maternity clothes. I guess I have to pack them all up and give them to M. I pray that these negative feelings will fade with time.
On a final note, has anyone noticed that a lot of people will try to make you feel better by telling you horror stories about related problems? I've had to listen to so many stories like "Oh, it could have been worse, my friend had her baby die at 32 weeks" or "My sister's baby died in his sleep at age 3 months" Just go ahead and shoot me now. Like I need to be even more depressed at this time. What makes this even worse is the thought that I have probably told stories such as these in attempts to comfort others. Yikes!
1 comment:
First of all I'm so sorry. There is nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better and in this case, misery certainly does not love company. I think people just want to make you feel better, but that's not possible, and instead they say stupid things. As for the feelings of jealousy, they'll fade, and come back and fade again. When I m/c I had to sit next to a co-worker who was due a month before I was. Needless to say, there were days when I had to go the bathroom for a good cry. Take care of yourself. You are entitled to all of your feelings.
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