Damn, That Hurt

I had the mock transfer today. There was nothing funny about it. Apparently, the doctor has to scrape some of my uterine lining. It felt like he was ripping out the entire thing. The cramping was so bad it reminded me of my miscarriage last year. Not pleasant. He also decided to put me on f*mera for the remaining time that I'm taking bcp. Why the hell not? I'm already taking 4 pills every night. What is one more? I have freakishly low bone density for my age, so I have to take calcium pills 3X per day. So, for now, I'm taking bcp, f*mera, pr*zac, calcium pills, and prenatal throw-up pills.

I did mention to the nurse that I have been a lot moodier lately. She said it was pretty normal for the bcp. I have been having a lot of dreams about my brother who died suddenly from a heart attack at the age of 32 two years ago. They have been very sweet yet traumatising for me. In some of them he has returned and it just turned out that everything was a big mistake and he is ok. In others, he is just there in spirit and is checking up on me. In these latter dreams, he is only visible to some of us. But he keeps looking at us with tears in his eyes and telling me that it everything is "ok." I wake up from these dreams so happy to have seen him again and yet so sad to realize that we will never speak to one another on a day to day basis every again. I miss him a lot.

I wonder what I will dream about tonight?