Well, as of yesterday my numbers went up to over 770. I'm having a few symptoms. However, they might just be related to the progester.one and estroge.n patches I'm still taking. I switched over to the suppositories for the prog. My ass had started developing cyst-like welts at every injection site. I had been getting two shots every day - that got to be a bit too much. Now I just have to stick the little pill up my hoo-ha 3 times a day. My RE doesn't want me back for a third round of bloodwork this week. I was pleasantly surprised at that. I asked to go in for more bw next week just to make sure things still look ok. My ultrasound is on the 13th. I will feel much better once that is over. I will be 7 weeks then. When I had my u/s back in July, I was supposed to be 8 weeks and there was no baby or heartbeat. I just want to get beyond that stage this time.

Ummm, I Think I'm Pregnant

Ok, remember how back in late May, I had 2 embies transferred and ended up with a beta of 27ish? Well, I had my one frostie thawed and transferred on the 15th of this month. I had my beta today and it was 335. I can't believe that one little embryo made it! I'm trying not to get too excited about this. I go back in two days (Wed.) for a second beta.

The Outlaws

Sorry I've been away so long. My in-laws were here for 3 weeks. They were staying in the guest room where my computer is also located. I don't know if I mentioned it in a previous blog, but I think 5 days is plenty of time for a visit with the out-laws. My mil drives me batty. I got to hear for 3 weeks straight how lucky I am to have married her son. I got to the point where I just completely shut down and barely said a word. Believe me, she said enough for both of us.

I'm still on the drugs for the FET. I think (hope) it will be next week. I'm getting tired of wearing the estro.gen patches. I'm up to four now, and my skin on my abdomen is getting pretty scary looking. I must say that the estro.gen has helped to ward off the evil spirits that haunt me (aka lup.ron). Life was not fun at my house when I was just doing those injections. The patches seem to have evened things out for me. I think A is willing to stay in the same house with me for then next few weeks. It was touch-and-go there for a while. I go in for an us and bw on Thursday to determine how things are looking.

Hope

I've been avoiding posting for a while. I was basically tired of complaining. I've heard such crappy news from other people during the past few weeks that I've started forcing myself to remember that I actually have things pretty good. To say the least, my life doesn't suck. I have a great job that I love (most of the time), an incrediblel husband who loves me, a family I wouldn't trade for the world, a house with a dog, and my health. Not too bad, eh?

So, now I will procede with this next stage of iv.f with a little hope. I have one frozen embie ready to go. I realize that, chances are, it won't survive the thaw and that all this month's preparation will be for nothing. But you know what? Fuck it. I'm still going to let this little seed of hope grow in my heart. The worst thing that could happen is that I have to wait another few months before trying a new fresh round. All in all, my life still doesn't suck.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Don't tell anyone. I don't want to jinx myself.

I'm Sure I Was Missed. . .

I can't believe I've gone almost a month without writing. I've basically been in a holding pattern as far as my next step. I have to wait until the end of October for myFET. I only have one egg to thaw and transfer, so I'm not getting my hopes up.

The new school year has started and I am in love with my new students. As you may recall, I moved back to teaching another grade. I am so glad I made this decision. I forgot how cute this age could be! On the down side, I made it a whole 5 days before I came down with a terrible cold. I felt so bad, even my skin hurt. I had shingles last year and this was similar to that pain. Naturally, the day this hit was my birthday. I celebrated by going straight home and going to bed. It was around this time that I heard the wonderful news that Nicole Ri.che is pg. I can't express how happy I am for her. Oh, and a middle school student at the nearby school is also pg. I feel like standing outside the school with sign saying "will work/pay for baby." Happy thoughts abound. My students were too cute, though. They asked me several times if I was ok. I'm sure the sight of their new teacher blowing/honking her nose every 20 seconds for a week straight was a little strange.

Well, I'm off to grade the never-ending mountain of papers . . .

I'm a Wimp

I had to have a d&c on Friday. I had an ultrasound on Thursday and it appeared that my beautifully formed (yet empty) sack was still growing and producing enough hormones to play nasty tricks on my body and mind. The actual d&c wasn't too bad. I did, however, cry for the first time since finding out about this mess. The flood gates opened after 4 nurses tried to start and i.v. After digging around in my hands and arms for what felt like an hour, one of them finally managed to get one in right in the middle of the inside of my arm. It hurt like a motherfucker. The nurse then went to get A and have him come back to the room. Up until that point I'd been trying to keep a smile plastered on my face and trying to crack jokes. As soon as she left, the tears started flowing. All I could think of was: "How hard does this have to be?????? All I want is a baby!!!!!!!!!" Poor A walked in the room and found me crying for the first time in while.

I was sent home after the procedure with no pain medicine. I was told that I should just experience some "minor cramping." I was fine for about 4 hours. At 10 o'clock that night, the cramping began. I have never felt that much pain in my life. The only thing that helped was to get up and walk around. So, I did this until 4:00 in the morning. At this time, I was so exhausted, that I finally fell asleep sitting up in bed.

OK, I'm going to confess now to being a jealous bitch. My close friend and sil (M) is 15 weeks pg. She was so excited to be sharing this time with me. Well, at my parents' house this weekend, I got to listen to her talk about buying baby clothes and maternity clothes. I was so mad and envious. I know this is wrong of me, but I couldn't help it. I quietly left the room and let her talk. My other sil (who just had twins) had given me all of her maternity clothes. I guess I have to pack them all up and give them to M. I pray that these negative feelings will fade with time.

On a final note, has anyone noticed that a lot of people will try to make you feel better by telling you horror stories about related problems? I've had to listen to so many stories like "Oh, it could have been worse, my friend had her baby die at 32 weeks" or "My sister's baby died in his sleep at age 3 months" Just go ahead and shoot me now. Like I need to be even more depressed at this time. What makes this even worse is the thought that I have probably told stories such as these in attempts to comfort others. Yikes!

My Boring Life

I'm back from the longest trip of my life. Nothing like spending 11 days with your mother-in-law when dealing with a miscarriage. I was basically trapped in their house for the entire time. When we did go out, we went out with them! I told A that 7 days is the limit from now on. I can't take that any more. My every move was watched and commented on. If I walked into the room "What are you up to? Can I get you something to eat/drink/wear/read?" If I got up from my chair: "Where are you going? Am I too boring for you? Do you want to change the channel?" Umm, no I'm just going to the bathroom. 90 percent of the time she was very nice. However, even when she is nice, she is obsessively clingy. The other 10 percent of the time, I heard comments like: "Wow, look at you cleaning! Dave is not going to know who you are!" or "Do you need help with your ironing because your outfit looks a little wrinkled." She had plenty of advice for me regarding getting pregnant, but I won't/can't go there right now. We took our dog with us for the trip. She kept feeding him people-food. He has a very sensitive stomach and we have told her several times not to do this. Sooo, the dog ends up barfing all over the floor for a few days. I refused to clean it up. Right after he puked one morning, she fed him bacon!

Ok, enough about that. When I had my ultrasound on July 3rd, I was told that as soon as I stopped taking the progesterone shots, my period would come withing 7 days. Well, still no period after 14 days. I just want this to be over with.

Better news: my sil gave birth to her twins on the same day that I found out my baby had stopped growing. This actually made me happy. They were small, but were able to come home after 8 days.

News that made me cry: My other sil found out she is pregnant last week. She had told me a few months ago that she was going to start trying in the Fall. I guess she wanted to get a jump start on the season. I'm trying my hardest to be positive and happy.

Ok, that is enough for now.

It's Beer O'Clock

My ultrasound this morning showed one great looking sack, but no baby. Needless to say, I'm pissed and disappointed. I've spent the day doing whatever I can do to not think about it. So far, it has worked. I'm still heading to Canada tomorrow morning with A. I'm sure the floodgates will open at some point during the drive. Wow, nothing like having all of the side effects of raging hormones with none of the benefits. Poor A gets to be stuck with me in a car for hours on end. He called his in-laws to tell them the news, so hopefully they won't need to talk about it too much. So, instead of being almost 8 weeks along, it looks like I'm back to square one. Actually, I'm not even at fucking square one - I still get to wait for my period to start. Yippeeee. We will be gone for 10 days. I'll update when I get back.

Fingers and Toes Crossed

My computer has been down for several days. I've been having withdrawal symptoms. Well, I'm still pg. I'm having a hard time believing it so far. I'm waiting until my u/s on July 3rd before I let myself get excited. I don't even want my family to talk about it until then. I feel like I'm jinxing myself if I get my hopes up. That is all I'm going to say about that topic for now.

A and I are leaving on the 4th to go to Canada to see his parents. We are staying for almost 2 weeks. Ugh! I am not looking forward to it. My in-laws are nice and all, but they are just very different from my parents. Mil is very loud and opinionated. She says horrible things about her other daughter-in-law and it makes me wonder what she says about me. She has been known to drop the f-bomb when describing my sil. During her last visit to my house this past Christmas, she would say things like, "oh, look at you! You're loading the dishwasher!" or "Wow, great job vacuuming!" My personal favorite was her comment before she left to go home: "Well, now your house is clean!" This was after she spent the entire week cleaning up after me. I swear, the woman never sat down for more than 2 minutes. She was either cleaning, dusting, washing dishes, or smoking. She makes me a nervous wreck. I guess I'd better start doubling up on my pro.zac now.

So Far, So Good

My second beta came back at 115 today. It has doubled since Friday. Again, the nurse seemed happy with this, so why am I still so worried????? I go back in on Friday for one more beta check. I want to be happy, but I'm so scared right now. Why can't I be one of those lucky fertile people? Will this always hang over me? I just hope I can get through the next few weeks without falling apart. Please let this work out.

Well, That Was Unexpected

Much to my surprise, my beta came back as 45 on Friday. It is a little low for my comfort, but the nurse just thinks I implanted late. Ok, what were those 2 embies doing in there for the past two weeks? I had terrible cramps all day Friday so I drank 5 bottles of water and slept all day. The cramping has since disappeared. I go in tomorrow for my second beta. I'm not really sure what to think. I thought I would be so happy to hear the words "Your pregnant!" but I've just been so nervous! When does this get easier? I'll post more tomorrow when I won't be so concerned about jinxing myself. Yup, I've officially lost my mind.

Resigned

I'm back from my trip to Florida. A and I stayed with my brother for the week. It was a nice and relaxing week. On the down side, I did end up testing yesterday morning (Wed.) and it was negative. A gave me a lot of hugs when I needed them. I am pretty upset, but I'm taking it in stride. We still have one embie to try. If that doesn't work, we still have one more shot at a full ivf cycle under our shared risk plan. I'm still planning on going for my blood work in the morning. I am glad that I tested early. I realize now that finding out over the phone would have been awful. To top it off, I'm starting to spot this evening. Rub it in, why don't you? I'm not too happy with my body right now.

Tick Tock

I will not test, I will not test, I will not test . . .

I'm half way through the wait. They called this Wednesday to tell me that only one embie made it to freezing. I have mixed feelings about that. It kind of takes care of the "what will we do with all of the extra frozen babies if this works out" dilemma. However, it also means that if this try doesn't work, chances are even greater that I will have to do the entire process again. I don't' think the success rates for a fet cycle with only one embie are too great.

After so many visits to the re for bw, etc., I am feeling very bored. The school year is out, so I really don't have much to do. I am officially 9 dpr and 7 dpt. I certainly don't feel pg. My bbs are killing me, but I'm chalking that up to the progesterone shots. I have to admit that the shots aren't going to bad. When A did the first one, I was mixed up on which needles to use and he ended up using the long thin one to draw up the med and then using the short thick one to inject it. WRONG! My ass was killing me for 5 days in that spot. Since then, I haven't even felt the needle going in. I ice my but first and then A rubs it afterwards. That is the closest he has come to getting any in quite a while now.

My sister in law and another one of my close friends have announced that they are pg. I am glad for them bc they have both suffered mc's in the past. However, if it turns out that this didn't work for me, I know I'm going to have some trouble being around them. We could have so much fun if we were all doing this together. It will be painful to watch the two of them going through this progress if I'm not with them.

A and I are going to go to Florida for several days this week. We will leave on Monday and return on Thursday. That should help me keep my mind occupied. My beta is Friday morning.

I have found out one thing for sure over the past few weeks:

Me + No Drinking = No Fun

Does this make me a bad person? I guess it can't say much for my personality if I can't have a good time out with friends without having a few beers. I have decided that on the day of my beta, I will have a cold one waiting for me. When I answer the call, I will pop the top. If the answer is negative, I will start the beginning of a drunken weekend. If it is positive, I will take a sip and pass it off to A for a toast.

Since I will pretty much be gone until then, I guess this will be it for now. The next time I post, the waiting will be over.

Exciting Day

Today (Saturday) is the day of my transfer. The retrieval went very well. I'm just a little sore a bloated. They are transferring two today. They retrieved 17, 11 were mature, and 8 were fertilized. I just keep saying to myself "I have babies waiting to meet their me." I know, kinda corny.



I need to take care of some business. I've officially had my first blog tag. The only problem is, I was tagged by the only person out there in blogville I know. So, I won't be able to tag anyone else. I hope this doesn't mean 7 years of bad luck.



Ok here goes:



INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.



1)Baby Moxie

2)Kicking You From The Inside

3)Third Time Lucky?

4) Just Crazy Enough To Try

5) Let the Fun Begin



Next select five people to tag: (if you haven’t done it already)



???? Sorry! I'm kinda new to this



What were you doing ten years ago? I was in college getting my teaching degree. I was mildly obsessed with a loser boyfriend who broke up with me every other day just to see me crawl back.



What were you doing one year ago? I was trying to get over my miscarriage and move on with my life.



Five snacks you enjoy:

1. air popped popcorn

2. chex mix

3. chips and salsa

4. Doritos

5. take 5 candy bars



Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:



I have a bad habit of being able to memorize to lyrics to any song, crappy or not. I'll start off with my favorite band and move on to any other songs that stick out in my mind.



1. Any song by U2

2. Any horrible 80's hair band

3. ?

4.

5.



Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

1. Quit my job

2. Learn how to sew

3. Volunteer

4. Buy my ailing parents full time help

5. Donate to St. Jude's Childrens Hospital



Five bad habits:

1. I constantly finish people's thoughts (in my own mind).

2. I move from one chore to another without finishing the one I've started.

3. I leave clothes on the bathroom floor.

4. I drink too much caffeine.

5. I like to sleep too much.



Five things you like doing:

1. Reading

2. Watching True Crime t.v. shows

3. Checking email

4. Reading blogs

5. Hanging out with friends and drinking beer (not so much of the drinking lately)

I Think I'll Stick To Walking

I'm through with the rollercoaster. It turns out I'm just an extremely slow responder. As in, I am running about a week behind schedule. I'm back on the ivf track. My estradiol went from 147 on Wednesday, to 500 on Friday, to 1,470 today (Sunday). The retreival is now scheduled for this Thursday. I am officially a week behind everyone else at the clinic. I'm just grateful that they let me continue on without cancelling this cycle. I also found out that my sil (and very close friend) is pg after her first iui. Pregnancies run in pairs in my family, so I'll take this as a good sign. I'm going in again in the morning for my final bw and ultrasound before the trigger. My poor veins are not happy with me. I have bruises on the inside of both elbows. I'm waiting for one of my students to ask me what is going on. I only have two more days of teaching. School is out this Tuesday. I'm ready to relax for a while!

The Car Flew off the Track

Well, this roller coaster ride may be coming to a faster end than previously thought. I had another ultrasound and bw appointment this morning. My follies are still too small. He gave the speech about why it is best to cancel some cycles. He told me this was probably going to be one of those cycles. However, he said that he would wait until my bw came in today. So, I proceeded to cry my way to work and then cry/sob when the my coworker asked me how everything went. Luckily, my students were in PE so, I avoided freaking them out. I am just so damn mad and frustrated by this whole thing. The nurse called me later on today to tell me that he wants to see me on Friday for more bw and an us. She said my estrogen levels had more than doubled since Monday (which is great) but that they are still very low (which sucks). She then made me review step-by-step how I was giving myself the injections to make sure I have been doing them right. I am. So, after being told not to get my hopes up, I have to wait 2 more days to find out if the cycle will continue. If it is canceled I have to wait 3 months before starting up again.

Fucking Roller Coaster

Roller Coasters Suck

I hate roller coasters. They scare the crap out of me. I don't like feeling out of control. This whole ivf thing is just one big roller coaster. Last Wednesday, I had a appointment for bw and ultrasound. Well, during the ultrasound, the they saw a rather large follicle. I think it measured 12. The doctor was worried and told me not to be surprised if the cycle was canceled. He said it looked like I may have ovulated already despite being on the suppression meds. He told me not to "worry" and that he'd let me know that afternoon when the blood work was completed. I went to work in tears. It all turned out OK when the nurse called me late that afternoon to tell me that everything looked good and for me to start the stimulation drugs. So, then I was happy. Fast forward to Friday. My blood work showed my levels were still a little low, so they had me increase the gonal.f. No problem. I didn't think too much of it. Well, this morning, I went in for another us and bw. I could tell they were not too enthusiastic with the way my follicles were looking. There were only 9 and they looked pretty small. The doc said that I was just responding a little slowly and my retrieval might be pushed back from this Friday the following Monday. He said not to worry, he probably wouldn't need to see me until this Friday for just blood work appointment. I left feeling a little concerned, but still pretty confident. Well, the roller coaster took another sharp dip when the nurse called this afternoon. Apparently I am a "slow responder" and my levels are still very low. The nurse actually asked me if I was sure that I wasn't still taking any of the suppression meds (bcp or femera). Nope, I stopped 10 days ago or so when they told me to. Soooo, now instead of Friday, they want to see more for yet another us and blood work appointment this Wednesday. To top it all off, all of my previous appointments have been at 7 a.m., so I didn't have to arrange for a substitute. Now, this one is for 8:30. I have to take a half day off and try to find a substitute. As of this evening, I've tried to call 6 different people and no one is available. My boss is already not too happy with me having to take the last 2 days of school off.

I'm waiting for the slow climb back to the top of the hill . . .

Why Bother?

A is out of town for the week. I thought I would attempt to clean the house a little. We have hardwood floors throughout the downstairs. They are rather old and hard to keep clean. Not helping matters is our german shepherd. He is an inside dog. We have a doggie door (ok, it is big enough for a five-year-old to stroll through) to allow him to enter/leave at his will. Every time it rains, he tracks in mud. So, after a particularly rainy week, it was looking rough in the house. For those of you with dogs, I'm sure you are aware of just how fascinated they can be with any cleaning utensils. My pooch loves to protect us weak humans from the evil broom and vacuum. So, he spent the hour chasing/protecting me while I attempted to clean around him. Then, he decided to rest for a few minutes right in the middle of the wet floor. Ugh. I'm sure you are asking yourself why I didn't just lock him outside. Well, he chewed/ingested the hard cover to the dog door. If I try to block the dog door with a kitchen chair, he will bark like mad at the door trying to get inside in order to do his duty (protecting me from the evil broom and mop).

My injections are going well. Tonight will be the 4th night taking me.napur, gonal.f, and lup.ron. One of these meds is giving me terrible headaches. I think I am just starting to get used to them. Even as I type, my head is pounding. I've been trying to just sleep through the headaches every chance I get. I go in for more bw and an ultrasound on Monday morning. I still don't know when the actual retrieval will be. I'm hoping for Saturday. That way I won't have to take any time off of work to recover. My last day of teaching will be the following Tuesday, so it really won't matter if I have to take off for the transfer. Only half of my students will show up for the last few days. That should be easy money for a substitute. I'm starting to get excited. At the same time, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. This week is the one year anniversary of my miscarriage, so I know that things don't always go as planned. I just keep telling myself that a month from now, I could be pg. That seems amazing to me!

Ok, I'm off to take a cool shower and try to sleep off some of this headache. It feels like I did about 50 shots of tequila last night. Ouch!

Weekend Fun

Woooooooohoooooooooo, I took my last bcp this weekend. I also stopped taking the femera. Now I am just dealing with the injections. Hopefully the acne that has been attacking my face for the past 3 months will go away. It has gotten so bad that even A said to me this morning "Isn't there something you can do for that?" Gee, thanks for the confidence-booster. Well, this evening, I decided to "do something about it" and ordered $75 worth of bar.e essential.s make-up online. I've never tried it before, but it I have heard good things about it. I am not a big make up person. I never wear foundation and just use concealer, eyeshadow, and mascara. I should have charged the bill to his credit card.

This weekend has flown by. I spent all day Saturday and last night babysitting my 3 nephews. Their ages are 7, 4, and 3. It was hilariously fun - but extremely exhausting. The four-year-old lost his first tooth. He was terrified before it came out. He sobbed for 30 minutes uncontrollably about not wanting it to hurt. Well, I finally got him to sleep and it fell out over night. He found it on his pillow this morning. The three-year-old was very impressed. He kept telling his brother what a good job he did. I didn't know what to do with the tooth, so I put it in a zip-lock bag and told him to give it to his mom when she got home. I'll let my sil deal with the whole Tooth Fairy thing. I didn't think telling a frightened child about the strange fairy who sneaks into his room while he was sleeping was a good a idea at the time. I dropped A off at the airport for a business trip at 11 this morning and then came home and slept for 4 hours.

I'm off to do some shots (ok, not the fun kind) and watch tv.

I just wanted to quickly thank Nicole for being such a faithful responder to my posts. I find your blog posts so thought-provoking. People struggling with their own issues are often inspiring to me. That is one thing I've noticed since I started reading IF blogs. People bring up so many issues that I am going through - not all of them fertility related. For instance:

I'm debating going off of Pr*zac when I become pg. I guess I should give a little history about myself before I continue. Brace yourselves, I'm not known for my ability to sum things up quickly. I have always been emotional, sensitive, and high-strung. I should actually put the word EXTREMELY before each of those descriptions. Even as a child, I was always worried - worried that people were making fun of me, worried that others didn't like me, worried that someone I loved would get hurt, worried that I would get hurt, worried about making decisions that would make everyone happy. I mean I worried all the time. This carried over into me being a huge bitch 99% of the time. Even as a child, I could make older siblings cry with my sarcastic mouth. Basically, I was insecure. I had no reason to be. My family is amazing. Looking back, I don't really know why I am the way I am. My parents certainly never catered to my emotional outbursts. If anything, they completely ignored me when I acted like a brat.

Fast forward 15-20 years and most of my sisters (7 of us) have been diagnosed with some form of depression disorder. I didn't start taking medicine until I in my mid twenties. In May of 2000, I was driving a car and was hit by a drunk driver. My 20 year-old niece was a passenger in the car and she died as a result of her injuries. This put me over the edge for several months. I dealt with panic attacks and insomnia. That is when my doctor introduced me to the second love of my life - pr#zac. Within weeks of taking this medicine, I was a different person. I was still me - just a much happier, relaxed me. I no longer became stressed out to the point of exploding if something didn't go right. I didn't stare at the ceiling at 2 a.m. worried about whether or not I forgot to blow out the candle I had in my classroom.

Needless to say, I have been very happy with this medicine. I know it helped me get through the death of my brother a few years ago. I can't imagine how I would have dealt with such a terrible loss if it was "the old me." My current issue is the unknown factor of the affects this medicine could have on a baby. I keep hearing conflicting reports. If anyone out there has any input on this, I would appreciate it. Part of me thinks that I'll be emotional enough anyway, so why not just go full tilt and pr*zac free for 9 months. I could also just lower my dosage for the time. My RE says it is up to me. He said it is an individual decision. Ugh. I just don't know. I don't want to wait until the last moment to decide.

I'm going to quickly post this before I realize just how much about myself I am putting out there for the world to see. I can always delete this later, right?

Good-night!

Into the Thick of it All

Nothing much going on right now. I've just slowly been watching the days tick by. That is yet another reason to hate this IF crap. For the past 2 years, I've felt like I just waste my months anticipating a) the arrival of my period, b) starting whatever medication I'm on for the month, c) waiting to ovulate, and d) waiting to test. I've given myself the speech about not wasting my child-free days away, to take advantage of the time A and I have to ourselves, and to spend this time getting the house in order. As much as I realize these things are true, I really don't give a crap. Just give me a damn baby, already.

Ok, I'm done stomping my feet and whining. I do have something to look forward to over the next few months. I am changing grade levels at school. This is something I have wanted to do for about 3 years now. The group of women I work with right now do nothing but argue and back-stab one another. I walk in every morning wondering who I'm safe to talk with. If I speak to one person, the other teachers might be mad and give me the silent treatment for a week. I actually used to teach with my new upcoming grade level several years ago. They have been begging me to come back and work with them. It will be so nice to have that kind of working environment. I really don't need the added stress of walking on egg shells every moment at work. The only downside is that I will be moving to a much smaller room. I think it will be well worth it, though.

Well that is all for now. I'm trying to make myself post every day even if I don't have anything exciting to say. I think this is one of those days. I'm going to go drink a beer and fold some clothes. Yup, I'm living the high life.

Anti-Climatic

I spent the day with my family celebrating my nieces first Communion. This is a big deal in the Catholic community. In my family (Irish Catholic) it is another excuse to drink all day long. I did not let anyone down. It was a beautiful day and we all had a great time. My nieces and nephews were hilarious playing together. There were several rounds of star wars battles as well as "who can catch the most bubbles" battles. The funniest part of the afternoon came when they all decided to use the automated pitch "thingie" that pitches softballs to them. They decided that simply playing with it the way it was made to be played with was not quite fun enough. They decided to stand in front of the damn thing and see where the ball would hit them on their bodies. Granted these were just "whiffle sp?" balls but, still, they were coming out at a pretty good speed. The adults spent the first 20 minutes trying to keep them from doing this. But, after seeing the kids howl with laughter, we just decided to see who cried first. Wow, my stomach hurt so much from laughing after an hour of this. I'm sure the neighbors were impressed with our parenting/babysitting skills.

Well, A and I came home about an hour ago and I gave my self my FIRST SHOT. I have pictured this moment for a long time now. This is how it actually took place: I stood by the kitchen table with the syringe and med bottle in my hand. Then I realized I had left the instructions at my parents' house. S0 I called over there and my dad answered. Now, my dad is suffering from a severe form of Parkinsons called Shy-Draggers syndrome. My mom has just started chemo for a mild form of leukemia. On top of this, my 98 year old grandmother lives with them. Needless to say, they don't stay up very late. Soooo, my call went unanswered. I ended up guessing as to the dosage. I'm 99.9% confident I got it right. After all, I've been reading the damn instructions for 3 weeks now. Ahhh, nothing like being prepared.

Well, I'm off to go put some medicine on my poor dog. We had a tick collar on him and A noticed last night that his throat was rubbed to the point of being raw. I almost threw up when I saw it. I can't believe we didn't notice this sooner! We have a gsd and he is our baby. I don't take comfort in the fact that he has probably had this sore on his neck for a few days and I didn't see it. He sleeps right beside me for gods sakes. We've been trying to pamper him all day. He just keeps looking at us as if to say "yeah, nice try dumb-ass"

Identity Crisis

I've noticed that there is another Infertilemertile out there in blogville. Leave it to me to come up with something original. Did I mention that the names I have picked out for my children are Bob and Sue. Just kidding.

Soooo, I'm going to just go with my middle name - Caroline.

I'm So Strange

Thanks, Nicole for your reassurances regarding the bcp. I am not a crier and I actually started to tear up last night when I thought about the fact that I am not a crier. On Monday, the secretary at our school asked me how I was doing as far as ttc. I told her that things were still the same and her response was "You are trying too hard. I tried for 5 years before I got pg." Now, I love this woman and I know she would pretty much do anything for me. However, I wanted to reach across the counter and smack her in the face. That was my honest-to-goodness thought. Wow - it really startled me. I'm not a violent person. I'm sure she didn't realize that waiting 5 years was not exactly great news for me.

I was going over to my parents house for brunch on Sunday. I was running a few minutes late and A asks me "So, are you going to flip out if they've run out of biscuits when you get there?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth he looked like "Oh SHIT what did I just say?" He meant it as a joke and, thank God, I found it so funny that I choked on my toothpaste. Lucky for my family, they hadn't run out of anything when I arrived.

I received all of my meds in the mail yesterday. Wow, they sure look intimidating. I start injections this weekend. I am one sick puppy to be this excited about shooting up.

On a much more personal note, it has been occurring to me over the past several weeks that A and I have been spend an awful lot of time not having sex in order to have a baby. I've been spotting since starting the pills and today I've really been bleeding. Poor A, I can't wait until he hears that we can't do the deed for the entire 2 weeks after ET (if not longer).

Well, that is enough about me. I'm going to go spend some time throwing the ball with my equally neurotic dog.

Damn, That Hurt

I had the mock transfer today. There was nothing funny about it. Apparently, the doctor has to scrape some of my uterine lining. It felt like he was ripping out the entire thing. The cramping was so bad it reminded me of my miscarriage last year. Not pleasant. He also decided to put me on f*mera for the remaining time that I'm taking bcp. Why the hell not? I'm already taking 4 pills every night. What is one more? I have freakishly low bone density for my age, so I have to take calcium pills 3X per day. So, for now, I'm taking bcp, f*mera, pr*zac, calcium pills, and prenatal throw-up pills.

I did mention to the nurse that I have been a lot moodier lately. She said it was pretty normal for the bcp. I have been having a lot of dreams about my brother who died suddenly from a heart attack at the age of 32 two years ago. They have been very sweet yet traumatising for me. In some of them he has returned and it just turned out that everything was a big mistake and he is ok. In others, he is just there in spirit and is checking up on me. In these latter dreams, he is only visible to some of us. But he keeps looking at us with tears in his eyes and telling me that it everything is "ok." I wake up from these dreams so happy to have seen him again and yet so sad to realize that we will never speak to one another on a day to day basis every again. I miss him a lot.

I wonder what I will dream about tonight?

I was talking to a coworker about the whole ivf thing. When she heard that I was paying over $15,000 for the meds and procedure she was shocked. Then she said "But this is a sure thing, right? You'll definately get pg with this?" She looked at me like I was insane when I said no. I guess to people who have never dealt with this it does sound a little odd.

On a lighter note, I went to one of those cooking/try-to- get-you-to-pay-$100-for-a-flimsy, nonstick-cookie-sheet party tonight. I was proud of myself for walking out of there without spending a dime. Of course, I did lose 2 1/2 hours of my life that I will never get back. I don't cook. A actually cooks everything. I have cooked maybe 3 meals in the5 years that I have known him. Now, I did manage to get suckered in to buying $2,500 worth of stainless steel cookware about 8 years ago. For a long time, my payments for my cookware were more than my car payment. It does look pretty, though. A hates to cook with it - everything sticks. A few months ago we had a college student come and demonstrate/sell knives to us. We ended up buying a $100 pair of scissors!?!?! I am such a sucker.

I have my "mock transfer" on Thursday. What a funny name. Maybe they could get someone else to sit in for me? I start shots in a week. I can't wait to see what they do to me. My boobs are 3x bigger just being on the bcp. I've already had 3 major emotional meltdowns in the past 2 weeks. That is with being on pr*zac. I can't wait to see how much fun I am to be around when I start adding on even more hormones. I feel like I should just wear a sign around my neck that flashes "Beware: Speak to at Own Risk" I'm glad A isn't one to take things too personally or we might end up in counseling by the time this is over.

Just Rub it In

As I mentioned earlier, I am one of 15 children. I have 18 nieces and nephews ranging in age from 25 - 4 weeks. So, today being Easter, we had the annual egg hunt at my parents' house. I look forward to this every year. The kids are so funny. I called my mom 2x yesterday to double check the time for this to start. I left my husband behind and made the 45 minute drive down there to see it start. A was to join us 2 hours later for dinner. I pull up to the house 10 minutes early and they were just wrapping up the hunt. Needless to say, my hormonal self was not happy. When I expressed my displeasure I was told that since I didn't have kids, they didn't think they had to wait on me. Soooooooooo, I got back in my car and drove home. A and I will enjoy a nice quiet dinner in tonight. When I got home, I was fully expecting A to not understand why I was so upset. Instead, he actually just said he was sorry I was so upset. Sometimes I am amazed that he married me.

New Comment

Ok, I've heard yet another amazing spout of wisdom today regarding getting pg. A coworker told me that, although she really didn't know if she believed in God, if he did exist than whatever happens is "meant to be." She went on to say that if I don't get pg, if the ivf doesn't work, then that just means that He has something else planned. Sure, ok. That works for me as long as whatever He has planned includes loads of alcohol and prozac.

On a more positive note, another coworker of mine went into labor this morning and had to leave work to go to the ER. I was so excited for her. I can honestly say that I had no feelings of jealousy - I was just caught up in the excitement.

Well, I'm off to bed. Tomorrow is the last day for standardized testing at my school. I don't know which is worse, taking the tests or watching your students take the tests. Not very exciting.

Sorry for the lack of excitement in tonight's post. I'll try to be witty and charming later.

Lazy Day

Not much to report here. It has been a rainy morning. I did go to church for the first time in months. The whole ivf process and frozen embies kept trying to jump into my mind. Just what would I do with my "leftovers?" Assuming I have any viable ones to freeze, that is. Great, one more thing to stress out about. Oh well, that is a fixation to obsess about some other time.

I went over to my parents' house for Sunday brunch. I spent the morning holding my 4 week old nephew. Did I mention I'm one of 15 kids? Needless to say, I have a lot of nieces and nephews. I have 3 more on the way. You could say I definitely got the short straw when it comes to fertility in my family.

I realized the other day that my ivf ER will be on the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. Is that a good or bad omen? I'm not sure.

Medicine Update:
I've been taking the bcp for a week now and my boobs are KILLING me. I don't remember this happening when I was taking them before. I guess I was too busy having care-free, non baby making sex then.

Am I Already Crazy?

OK, I've only been back on bcp for 5 days now and I' ve been in the worst mood for the past few days. As a teacher, this is very hard to get past and just smile. So far, I've managed to keep my moodiness hidden from the students. It actually makes me try harder to be pleasant towards them. However, my coworkers get to bear the brunt of it. A is out of town, so when I'm at home, it is just me and the dog. He doesn't seem to mind my pissy moods, though.

As we all know, there are many insensitive comments that people can make to us regarding having children. Since learning about my upcoming ivf cycle, two of my friends at work asked me "Why don't you just buy a baby instead of wasting money on something that might not work." Gee, thanks. I'll just head out to the mall and buy a baby over the weekend. What a great idea.

Are there any Raising Arizona fans out there? If so, do you remember the scene where H.I. and Ed are in the fertility dr's office and he is explaining to them that she is infertile? I think the voice over says something to the effect of: "her womb was a rocky soil in which my seed could find no purchase." Meanwhile, the doctor is holding up these diagrams of the reproductive systems. I swear to god, this scene ran through my mind last week as my RE was explaining our situation/options to my dh and me. I almost laughed out loud. The RE was holding up this 12X15 diagram of the female reproductive tract as he painstakingly explained how it worked. Needless to say, I've been researching this very topic for the past 22 months. I think I could teach courses on it. Poor A, I know it was just waaaay tmi for him.

Anyway, as soon as I relax, try not to think about it, just start the adoption process, or go buy one at the local mall, I'm sure I'll get pg. However, I'm going to keep with the ivf process just in case. :)

Ok, time to go play with the dog so he'll leave me alone.


Oh, if anyone is actually reading this, is it ok to try to loose weight over the next month before I start the meds? I started WW last month and, although I haven't been very good these past few weeks, I wanted to get back on. I need to loose about 2o lbs. Nothing major, but it would certainly make me feel better.

Good night.

Starting Out

Wow, my first blog post. Until a few months ago, I was still unsure as to what the hell a blog was. I realize this could probably get addictive.

Background

My dh and I have been trying to conceive (ttc) for almost 2 years now. Our official diagnosis is "Unexplainined Infertility." Dh - I'll refer to as A from now on, has absolutely no problem with his end of the game. His little soldiers bring their game face every time. I, on the other hand, apparently have some issues. I've been accused of being hard-headed and stubburn. Apparently, my little eggies take after me. After 3 failed IUI's, we are ready for IVF. I just recieved my latest negative test this week after my last IUI. The RE has informed me that our best chance is IVF. Now, as much of you going through this have probably experienced, I've been walking around in a state of WTF and disbelief for the past few days. My internet addiction actually saved me with the plethera (sp?) of information and personal stories regarding infertility and ivf.

For those of you end following my story, please feel free to comment and share your own experiences.

First of all, I have very little idea of what to expect. I started BC this week. I know I take them for about a month. I've been reading up on the list of meds needed for this process. The only thing I know for sure is that I have a "Mock Transfer" saline infusion scheduled for April 19th. The actual ER will be around May 19th. So far the main points that I have picked up on are the following:

1) needles - get used to them
2)patience - poor A had better find some
3)mood swings - as if I haven't already been on an emotional roller coaster for the past 22 months, apparently the party is just getting started. Beware, poor unsuspecting friends, family members, and innocent bystanders.


I know I've just barely touched the tip of the iceburg. Feel free to add to my list.

That is all for now. Have a great night!